@texasstalkermom If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
@Godhatespants Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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@texasstalkermom 
@_davidlucas_ There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
@GreenishDuck Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
@DanMentos Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
@rcromwell4 What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
@JimmerThatisAll What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
@decentbirthday [before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
@LilFlaOrange30 I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
@MatildaWent CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
@QwertyJones3 “Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”