
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”