@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

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@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

@rcromwell4

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@LilFlaOrange30

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

@MatildaWent

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

@QwertyJones3

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”