Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Have kids, they said
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.