@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

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@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@Staggfilms

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

@daemonic3

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

@Julian_Deane

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

@MissBamanthaa

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

@david8hughes

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

@mrt1m

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

@joe_binkley

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”