Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u