him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol