Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ok this is my dumbest yet