Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no