Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You Might Also Like
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex