Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.