Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
You better watch out
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.