Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
This is enough internet for the day.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me