him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.