Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
You Might Also Like
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Bike for sale
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.