Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?