Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
adding to the discourse
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth