Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.


My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.


Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.


A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.


Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.


Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?