Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
This is amazing.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Basically.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.