Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
You Might Also Like
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Stop sending me this shit.