Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.