him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
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Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane