him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*aggressively waits in line*
When your parents check you’re ok.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal