Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
This sounds bad:
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.