Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
yall want some gasoline milk
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.