Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?


Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap


ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this


The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems


Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.