A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.