Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.