Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.