Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
that colleague who touches your screen
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.