Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult