Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives