Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.