HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH