@MMFlint Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
@JesKeepSwimming Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You Might Also Like
@MMFlint 
@KentWGraham I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
@darksidedeb Godzilla was the first house flipper.
@Brianhopecomedy My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
@RobertManchild “It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
@briancthayer Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
@audipenny [reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
@TheCiscoKidder Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
@peteholmes train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
@DanTaylorAuthor Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?