@sweetcrazyweird

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

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@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@darinlovesbacon

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@SaraESpivey

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

@Marcmywords2

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

@Elephart

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@rad_milk

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

@kelkulus

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.