Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
What do you hear?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.