Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*ernest hemingway voice*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.