Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
You Might Also Like
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
What number SPF blocks people?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…