Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Oops