Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If snakes were wide
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”