Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You Might Also Like
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Ferrari squats
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.