him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”