Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.