Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet