Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.