Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
Midwest trash talk
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once