Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
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[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?