Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
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Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
what?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
wtf is a larm clock?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.