Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does