Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
🍞🦆
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming