Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’