him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
r: what can I do for you?
me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener