Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
This meal prepping shit is easy
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’