Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers