Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain