Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
That earthquake could have been an email.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?