@dumbbeezie Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
@IvoryGazelle Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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@dumbbeezie 
@GoldenSpirals Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
@ddsmidt My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@mellimelle My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
@iliezabeth REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
@lazerdoov *on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
@funnyordie Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
@Brianhopecomedy My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
@s_cLaN07 My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
@Vice_Queen So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?