@IvoryGazelle

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@iliezabeth

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

@s_cLaN07

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?