@marcusbuster can you read it!!??
maan!
@IvoryGazelle Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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@marcusbuster 
@Glenny_Baby I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
@ehdannyboy I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
@TurboJellyBean I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
@TheHyyyype [driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
@TwinSurvivalist Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
@AnniemuMary My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
@weinerdog4life I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
@DomesticGoddss Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
@mstern68 [Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes