Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.