Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]