Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute


Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?


My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.


My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.


REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho


*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat


My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.



My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.


So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?