@IvoryGazelle

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

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@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@TurboJellyBean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@AnniemuMary

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@mstern68

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes