him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
This is why I hate group projects
called in thicc to work this morning
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry